People think horseriding is dangerous {well… yeah, but if you pay attention and learn how to do it, it’s grand} but frankly, I am more afraid of false eyelashes than I am of 600kg animals.

I think the rain is getting to me this day, and I decided that there was no better way to get over the gloom than to play with some lashes.

Ja’Maal Buster is the Lash Man to the Stars, and numbers among his clients such leading ladies as Beyoncé and Rihanna. He’s got five styles of Just Lashes that are available in chemists and salons, and on http://www.jamaalbuster.co.uk, and they are a snip at €6.95. I’ve had all five sitting there, next to my desk, looking at me for a long, long time.

Okay, humblebrag? Even though they are invisible, my lashes are long, and I am handy with the auld mascara wand, and people often ask me if I am wearing false lashes, and I’m not, so… Look, okay, the minute anything gets too close to my eye, I freak out. I’ve got The Fear. I give praise daily that I don’t need contacts. Plus, I’ve got whatever the sight is that requires reading glasses {short?} and my hand-eye co-ordination is crap.

So, ‘yay’, here we go, let’s play with Ja’Maal’s Whisper.

These are very leggy, like spider legs {I haaaaate spiders!} and the thing that keeps them all in a row, the band, seems really flimsy to me. I pull them gently off the plastic tray. They are long, and well spaced out, so they look a bit ethereal.

The glue is taped to the back of the tray, and I twist off the top. It is slightly iridescent.

I dab the glue to the band, and boy, is this imprecise! I think I read somewhere, maybe on Twitter, that you should use a pin to apply the glue. Well, nary a pin to hand, so I do my best.

Let the nightmare scenario begin: I can barely see my own lash line, and the closer I get to a mirror, the worse my sight is. I can’t wear my reading glasses and do this. It is recommended that tweezers be employed to get these on, and oh God, a pointy thing by my eye? No way.

Somehow, I manage — imperfectly, but I get the right side lash on my right eye:

Ooh. That’s pretty.

I mean, you can see how bad a job I did of this, it is like not even attached at the inside of my eye. But wow, that is really impressive, they look really nice!

I peel off the left half of the pair. I am worried about their fragility, the band thingie is invisible, which is good, but how strong can it be?

Strong enough, I guess: I get it removed intact, I apply the glue.

This eye is even worse than the right, and the lash wobbles all over the place. I grit my teeth and pick up a pair of tweezers. Yeah, it’s not great, but I eventually manage to get them into some semblance of order.

Even as rubbish as I am at this, they look really gooooood:

I regret the impromptu nature of this experiment, because I don’t think I should put on eyeshadow after I’ve done these? One can, apparently, apply mascara, but these actually don’t hold up under intense scrutiny, and I can’t decide whether more make up will just make them look even wonkier. Like, they are not even close to my real lashes, on my left eye. *Sigh*.

I am very conscious of a feeling of stickiness and weight on my lids, which is weird, but I imagine I would get used to it.

Well, practice makes perfect! And it’s not like I’m going anywhere today. I’ll just sit here and flutter my lovely, long lashes at my computer screen, thanks.

Hey! Maybe I should have watched this video before the attempt. Grrrr.